I judged my ability to review books. Why on earth would my opinion account for any thing? It didn't help that I got a couple of personal attack comments and emails from people who didn't care for some of my reviews, or me for that matter. Who was I to judge when I didn't have a clue what I was even doing? Writing rules and regulations, the mechanics messed with my mind. And I honestly didn't feel like I had any thing of value to say. (This, by the way, is a theme I'm currently struggling with in music. Feel free to remind me of this if I rant and whine about music later…k?)
Of course I didn't shut up. I wrestled my thoughts and actions and kept on keeping on. I still wonder why I write my blog sometimes. I hit dry spells where I shut down and use the words of others or even better, God's Word. Other times I resort to empty humor or chatter and in hindsight I wonder at the thousands of words that have come from my mouth and off my fingertips and I hope that they aren't a cacophony of clashing cymbals.
Occasionally, I get feedback that something I share makes a difference. And that helps me want to continue to pour out my thoughts.
This novel has been extra challenging for me. The insecurity had me in bondage. So when I promised Michelle I would finish it I had some more wrestling to do before I could even begin. And once I started and found some enjoyment in writing it, I was pleasantly surprised. Even more so, Michelle emailed me and told me that somehow I had grown as a writer over my long hiatus.
We are putting the final tweaks on the story. Michelle's editing skills are tight, taut and ruthless. The lady is gifted in grammar and she loves to slice and dice. Tonight, I got this comment from her.
"Laughing Out loud. No, really. I know I've read this several times, but as I'm going over Fern & Zula for the last time before I send it off, I still freaking laugh out loud at lines like this:
Fern knew by the glazed eyes and faraway stare that Zula had gone to the happy hostess in the sky banquet hall and might have the party already planned down to the folded napkin sculptures and number of M&M’s in each little hideous hot-glued theme-of-the-week candy cup.
You are such a freak and I love you."
I'm pretty sure this will insulate my heart from insecurities and negative bombs that are sure to come my way.