I had plenty swirling around in my head. Thoughts about the frailty of life and the fragility of bodies. I was also struggling with the depravity of humanity.
I suppose these things were on my mind because of circumstances. Circumstances... the things that happen that make us stop and ponder and sometimes reassess. The unexpected deaths of loved ones of friends and the celebration of one month with sweet little foster grandchildren. And having them share some of their stories. Heartbreaking.
I love the days when I can move forward and embrace life and profess I know God is good. Other times, I am faced with the choice to BELIEVE that God is good. In spite of evidence that others have used since Eve's first taste of forbidden fruit, that far too often His rulership of the world looks nothing like mine would.
If I ran the world rights and freedom would go to those who value them, not abuse them. In my world the evil would live short and insignificant lives and the good-hearted would live long and do far reaching good all their years. The world I'd create would be full of loved and cared for innocents. And each of those precious ones would go, every night, to to a comfortable, safe bed with satisfied tummies and maybe a favorite story dancing through their thoughts or at least dreams of sugar plums or puppy treats.
Therein lies my struggle. Will I believe God is smarter than me? Better at knowing the outcomes of struggles? Is the sometimes hideousness of this world an opportunity to show how much He has to offer those who are willing to believe His story?
I know I cannot manage my own life, I have tried. And failed. What I think I need is often full of sorrow or remorse and what I would never choose for myself has radically changed my life for the better.
So, in spite of circumstances that sometimes make me so burdened I feel 20 years older, I will choose to believe that God knows what He's doing. That He is in the process of restoring, healing, saving and redeeming. I have enough proof.