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Change. I've learned to embrace it, ride it out til the end. Sometimes I'm kicking and screaming, other times weeping with my eyes clinched tight. Once in awhile I ride like a dog in a car, head out the window snorting what life has to offer. Mother to young adult children, a marriage of thirty years, and a desert to mountain to valley waltz with God have shaped me into someone I never imagined I'd be. Life is short and I want to live it. Tears, sighs, laughter and change. Every morsel granted to me. Scrambled, shaken or stirred.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Scribbles and Scrambles ~ Breaking Glass and Scattering Beans

& read me a post she saw on the www the other evening. True or not it left us both bawling like big babies. A woman had adopted a dog at a shelter and had a two week challenging transition. Finally, she decided to read the note that the previous owner had tucked into a bag of tennis balls requesting that it be forwarded to the new owner. The previous owner turned out to be a deployed and killed-in-action soldier who'd temporarily turned in the dog because he had no family, and in the case of death he'd left the request that his branch of the military would call the shelter to release the dog for adoption.  He told the story of his relationship with his dog and gave her the dog's real name. As the new owner read the letter all the missing parts and pieces fell into place. Once she said the dog's real name and gave him his beloved tennis balls their relationship changed. 

And that got my mind churning about things like perception and that truth can change everything in a matter of a split second. The past year has been full of challenges and obstacles. Ha Ha. My life has been full of challenges and obstacles, who am I kidding? Anyhoo. As I continue to change and grow my desire is to, each choice I make, grow into a more heavenly creature vs. a hellish one. And often the choice to be the creature I want to be is the choice that requires me to go under the knife of truth, give up a pound of fleshly attitude and expose my carefully guarded heart to people who aren't going to know who I am, my real name, my story.

In Bible study, which I reluctantly agreed to do because my kid asked me to, because honestly, I'd rather use that time for something else, I am hoping to uncover some lies and misinterpretations that keep me in bondage. I shared with my group that I can always tell when I am in self protection mode and am hardening my heart to shield it. My barometer is my lack of tears. I know when I'm glassy hearted that things don't penetrate and I don't feel the depth of pain but I also don't feel the depth of joy either. One of the gals in my small group pointed out that this is not an early warning sign, more the equivalent of finding out you have high cholesterol after having a heart attack.

I chatted with another gal I am in Arbonne with. I told her that my accountant is going to shake his head at my change in direction again with the ebb and flow of my sideline business. He's dealt with me using writing as a side business with deductions and income and then jewelry sales and now I've got Arbonne income and outgo and when Michelle and I sell Out of the Frying Pan there will be both income and outgo there again, too.  My friend said. "Get your accountant's voice out of your head. He's not the one you answer to."

True. So. Here is my hard won wisdom from the week. Success is me ending up as a heavenly creature at the end of my life, one who leaves a legacy of truth and love and inspiration behind. And to do that I have to do hard things and follow the path laid out for me, even when I don't want to. My heart, behind a glass wall is not going to facilitate that goal or journey, nor is the bean counter in my head.

How about you? You need to break some glass or whack an internal bean counter?

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