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Change. I've learned to embrace it, ride it out til the end. Sometimes I'm kicking and screaming, other times weeping with my eyes clinched tight. Once in awhile I ride like a dog in a car, head out the window snorting what life has to offer. Mother to young adult children, a marriage of thirty years, and a desert to mountain to valley waltz with God have shaped me into someone I never imagined I'd be. Life is short and I want to live it. Tears, sighs, laughter and change. Every morsel granted to me. Scrambled, shaken or stirred.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Scribbles and Scrambles ~ Tiger Eye Focus Part 3

Tiger Eye Focus. How does that look with the violin?

Clearly, I'm not going to be running stairs and punching sides of beef.

For violin it will involve wanting.

Do I want to be able to play? If so, am I willing to play well and by the book?  After investing what I have so far, and with the goal of actually being able to play it, I'd be an idiot to say no. So by the book it is.


I think one of my issues might be that I tend to be more creative than mathematical in thinking.  I'm used to looking at an imperfect situation like a recipe fail or decorating issue and coming up with a way to fix or make it work. Relationships are fluid as well. Black and white math is not a strong area for me.

Music is spot on math. There is a formula and exacting timing and detail.  So. I need to stretch and work on this. It reminds me of when I had to take my algebra section of training for radiography and I had to borrow my then 8th grader's book to try to wrap my mind around it. So. I've done it before and I'll be doing it again. Math for the challenged.

Also. There is a huge element of risk in this journey. I'm not going to get the soup and cookies knocked out of me like poor Rocky. But, I have to put myself out there. My insecurities, my heart, a little bit of my soul, every week when I go to my lesson and every day when I practice. I have to reword the inner monologue and avoid beating myself up. When I'm ready to play in front of people, it's going to be even riskier. 

And. There is the cost of time and focus and attention. This violin thing costs money for lessons and broken strings and new books and gas to get there. But the time element is pretty huge and it comes out of the time that is precious to me. I have to give time to the have to things, non-negotiable, but what is not carved out of my life by others is me time. As one who leans towards being introverted, there is an extra amount of anxiety with this violin thing. When I'm practicing and going to lessons those are hours and minutes I don't get back. Am I willing to keep investing those hours and minutes and absorbing the cost? And if I do, why wouldn't I make the most of my valuable time and do it right? 

This is something that just came to me. I always thought of myself as a little flaky, a little bit of a quitter. I'm not saying that I haven't quit a few things in my day. But, overall I have this impression of myself that I flit from thing to thing and give up far too easily. I'm wondering why I have that impression. I am looking back at my track record and I see where I have whole-heartedly devoted myself to people and relationships and jobs and extras. And I see where some have gone through seasons, others have not been a good fit, others were not worth pursuing. But. The things I've dug into and given myself to are alive and flourishing. And I'm not a quitter. Far from it. 

Quitting is not an option. So therefore, I will give violin the time, energy and focus I need to in order to conquer the current set of problems I have with it. I can do this. 

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