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Change. I've learned to embrace it, ride it out til the end. Sometimes I'm kicking and screaming, other times weeping with my eyes clinched tight. Once in awhile I ride like a dog in a car, head out the window snorting what life has to offer. Mother to young adult children, a marriage of thirty years, and a desert to mountain to valley waltz with God have shaped me into someone I never imagined I'd be. Life is short and I want to live it. Tears, sighs, laughter and change. Every morsel granted to me. Scrambled, shaken or stirred.

Monday, February 18, 2008

Scribble and Scrambles - Coffee Shop Thoughts

I'm sitting in a clean and delicious smelling environment. My three housemates are working. I'm stranded at a....coffee shop.

Feel sorry for me don't ya?

I scheduled an interview a half hour from home then found out that daughter number one had to fill in for a sick manager at a branch two minutes down the road just after my interview would conclude. We carpooled. (Like the back to back world's longest and shortest sentences? I thought it was pretty spiffy. Okay, carry on.) So she played on the computer at coffee shop number one while I interviewed my subject. Now I am sitting in coffee shop number two before heading to the mall to pick her up.

I've had hours of uninterrupted writing and thinking, well, not totally uninterrupted, I occasionally catch a bang, a swoosh and the easy listening music grabs my attention now and again. But I'm cleaning out my inbox, saving blog posts for future posting, writing reviews and pondering my book series.

Really pondering my book series.

The woman I interviewed today felt like an instant friend. She has shared a marriage journey and learned and grown through the process. We thought alike and connected as I shared what God has taught me, and what He has taught her. Interestingly, He used some of the same colors from His amazing "trial and error wisdom" palette in each of our lives. As we spoke, she leaned in closer and listened to what I had to say. She asked when my book was coming out.

Is that confirmation? Every time I tell my story, every time I encourage someone with the fact that life isn't over when it hits the wall, I sense that the story I'm sharing is not my own, but His. Totally His. Because if it was up to me, I'd be divorced. If it was up to me, my kids would be broken and still bleeding.

I struggle with the thoughts that my ideas aren't special, that what "wisdom" I can offer isn't going to change anyone's life let alone mind. Who am I? Some chick from Iowa who is growing more silver hair by the day and still breaking out with zits... and I don't feel any more mature than either of my daughters. My son knows what he wants to do with his life. I sometimes feel like I'm still going through the motions. My "career" is just a day job to me. Writing energizes me and terrifies me in the same breath.

But when I breath really deep and stay really quiet I keep getting a whiff of a call into speaking and writing and somehow going out from my safe little corner.

Is that why I've nearly burned out on church work? Because what I was doing is coming to an end and was preparation for what I'm supposed to be doing? And Rob...he's feeling pulled and unsure, too. What does God have in store for us? I'm positive it will be beyond us, it always is, and it will electrify and terrorize, satisfy and stretch us. He'll use what He's allowed in our lives, and He wants us to bloom, plant and multiply.

The scent of coffee fills the cafe, a hint of spring is in the damp air that hovers, dark, beyond the windows, and spiritual buzz of expectancy for something I can't put my finger on has quickened my heart.

I can't sit here anymore and think. I need to get ready...spring is just around the corner. I'm going to open a fresh page in my word processor and see what comes tumbling out.


Chanda Canup said...

Hmmm. I am in the middle of identifying with you, lady I have never met IRL:) Amazing how God does these things through stuff like Blogger. Thanks for sharing.

Kim said...

This is a tremendous post! Truly, you can sense that God is working and busy in your life and the lives of those around you! Thank you for sharing this and encouraging all of us to sit still and listen.

Praying for you today,

Kelly Klepfer said...

Thank you, Chanda and Kim. Two of my sweet friends I look forward to actually meeting someday.

I think there will be the equivalent to coffee shops in heaven for awesome never met kindred spirit meetings.

Janet Rubin said...

I hear ya, sister. I keep thinking, I should have figured a few more things out by now? Should I still be trying to figure out what I'm going to be when I "grow up?" Ah, but God knows. David thought his carreer was shepherd. So did Moses. Maybe you and I and a few other wacky ladies should start doing ladies conferences? How cool would that be? Maybe we should get those books published first...

Kelly Klepfer said...

Great idea, Janet. I liked what you had to add. So get, busy, girl. Destiny awaits. Ha.