Do you ever feel like you are a child wearing grown up shoes?
Maybe it's all the changes and constant ebb and flow of ocean waves in my life but I'm often feeling like I'm faking this adult thing.
Case in point. I've done Dexascans at my employers for a decade. I'm in a newish location with a brand new to me machine and multiple people teaching/giving me expectations for what the outcome should look like. I was the lone ranger before, doing things for my 4 providers who just wanted the bottom line data. This new adventure is for 20+ providers and radiologists and I'm no lone wolf. One trainer says to include more femur, the other says, analyze and print right away, one says wait till you are done with the whole exam. Oh, and the anatomy lessons I memorized 20+ years ago have gotten a little rusty.
I've been given the opportunity to do these alone, twice. Both times I've forgotten a detail.
Yesterday's oops was so obvious. Such an oops that I feel like a total idiot. My trainer came into the room and said "You didn't use the postioner." This is no small thing. The positioner is a massive foam block you put under the legs to put the spine in the perfect position. I have never. In the hundreds of Dexascans I've done. Forgotten that piece of the puzzle. But I think in trying to go through my mental checklist of the differences between my old machine, this new one, the expectations of the trainers and wanting to get off the remedial list I overlooked the elephant in the room then tripped and fell face down into a pile of elephant poo.
The even scarier part of this. (BTW, no patients were harmed in this process. Ha. Ha.) My new bosses want me to fully utilize the degree I have. Which means I will be on a learning curve for basically forever while I begin training on the digital x-ray unit.
This has been another challenging week. I went in Monday to hear that two of my co-workers had been released from their positions on Friday. Some of their tasks landed squarely on my desk. Jobs
I don't do very often and have only a small amount of practice with, but, I'm grateful to have the added job security. I am very sad for my former co-workers and just shudder at the thought of finding a job in today's climate.
My kids are all immersed in raising their kids with various trials and struggles and their lives are sometimes just hard and stinky. Raising kids is not for those with week spines or stomachs. Can I just say that? Loving sometimes unlikeable, selfish human beings is rough. It takes a toll. I carry some of my kids feelings with me through life. I pray and I help when I can sometimes feeling that any tiny thing I might do is just not enough to give them real help.
Then there is just the reality of the physical realm around me. The house needs to be looked after, the laundry done, the hedgehogs need cleaned cages, the dogs need to go out and have play time. We have an empty apartment that is probably rented, but that means painting needs to be performed, and new windows installed and there are just not the hours in a day to do it. Oh and we are trying to beat the annual call from our tax preparer giving us the date and asking us if we are going to be filing an extension yet again. Just once I'd like to drop our info off before he calls us.
Our church is going through some transitions and changes. And being a leader in a church is taxing. As a leader you get to hear the complaints of the saints and see the inaction of a group of people who should be out there making a difference. And you get to find out the painful things going on in peoples' lives before the poo hits the fan. Loving people and serving them is a burden.
Life get really heavy sometimes. This morning I read this article. By Joshua Becker of Becoming Minimalist. He is the guy I ran across who inspired me to get rid of 1,000 things. I love to read his thoughts and the articles he shares every Saturday from resources around the world. Sometimes the articles are ones that inspire me to make a different choice, other times they are food for thought. But they are always valuable.
Today he posted about the unsung heroes who aren't in the limelight. But they are putting one foot in front of the other on a hard path full of obstacles. They are the ones who are making the world a little better for their small circle. http://www.becomingminimalist.com/bad-situation/
It reminded me that our attitudes can make or break us. And that we aren't alone when we've attached ourselves to Jesus. It reminded me that little things are valuable and we can keep going and doing life because life is hard but life is glorious, too. So very glorious. Take a look outside on this dreary day and remember that there is a sun up there shining even if you can't see it. Or that God Almighty loves you, even if you can't feel it. Or that life is a gift. Or look inside and do what you need to do today to get back the hope you need to carry on. Take a deep breath in and thank your Creator that you can. Or take a shallow breath and use it to cry out for His mercy yet again. Hang in there, Buddy. The sun is still there, you will see it soon. And God's mercies are new every morning...He doesn't run out of mercy.
Apparently, my life theme this year is change. Oh, wait, maybe that was last year's theme and it's oozing over into 2017.
Regardless That's my word. Change. Did you know it's trendy to have a word define you this year? And who doesn't want to be like all the cool kids? Finally, as we finish the 2nd month of the year I've found my theme word.
I mean I like change. I really do. Boredom gets to me. I like to shift and learn and rearrange things to keep them interesting.
To a certain degree.
One environment at a time.
Today I go to my job and then get to walk over to another clinic and get trained on equipment I've never laid eyes on. Our independent small clinic was purchased by a LARGE entity that has many locations. My x-ray equipment of 15 years is being phased out because it's becoming a dinosaur. And I will be an extra and floating tech in the other clinics in my realm that have x-ray equipment. YIKES! These clinics take lots of different x-rays. I've literally been shooting the same body part since I left my training days twenty years ago. I wouldn't know how to position an ankle at this point even if it came with Ikea style instructions. (That's supposed to be funny, so laugh, please. I am and I hate to laugh alone.) Can we all scream LEARNING CURVE?
Church. Yep. Change there, too. BIG CHANGE. We have rearranged our Sunday morning activities to make room for a church three times our size to use our facility. And we overlap a bit. Or a lot. And their aesthetic is different. Not their doctrine, though. And it's so great our facility is getting abundant use, but there's a wee bit of adjustment. Tweaks of space and attitudes. Challenges.
Home. Ha. An adult daughter and an almost 18-month-old refilled our empty nest. Change. So great. So fun. So doubling our house size and opinions and needs.
These are mostly amazingly rich changes. They really are. I'm getting better benefits, literally and figuratively. I'm benefiting from having my world stretched. I don't want or need my world to revolve around the things I have shaped into my safe havens or built a box around. I do want my faith stretched, my mind stretched and my self stretched. I want to live my life with hands wide open and heart engaged. Change will stretch me and grow me.
What I have learned while navigating so far into this sea or uncertainty:
One step at a time. One day at a time. One minute at a time. There will be interruptions. There will be stress and pressure and sometimes overwhelming urges to scream and pull hair. (Mine and others....not even kidding. But I am laughing.) But if I can breathe through this minute. Communicate that I literally need a minute to breathe and process, I'm going to be okay. It's all going to be okay. I will be glad of all of these changes. They are challenges that will make me a more fulfilled and better human being if I chose to let them do just that!
I can control my attitude if I can control nothing else. Panicked people react. I can choose to think it through and process those tiny details before I blurt things out or make huge statements that are impossible to unsay.
Much of what is happening is transitional dust and debris. There appears to be more change than there actually is. Much of what is going on can be labeled "This too shall pass" and it will.
So there we go. What are you learning? What's your chosen or assigned word of the year?
