Scribbles and Scrambles - Views From the Scene

I don't know if I've mentioned here that a few months ago I found out our independent clinic was being absorbed by a much bigger, much more machine-like entity. For a bit I seriously wondered if I'd even have a job. As of yesterday I signed on the dotted line to be absorbed. The pressure of the unknown as to whether I'd be employed is off. Two of my coworkers weren't so lucky. They have been let go. I'm grateful, but might hold a smidge of survivors guilt and a lot of stress over what exactly is going to change around my office, besides almost everything. I had to pursue my new wages. Turns out that they were content to cut my benefits and a little bit of my take home. I had to stand firm and make a sacrifice and now I'm going to be getting a salary that will compensate me for 20 years of experience and knowledge far beyond what their expectation is. I lost 6 paid days a year and paid continuing education and a paid lunch period as well as a special grandfathered perk those of us who've been there over 20 years had. If I would have just said, "well, at least I have a job" and accepted the hourly rate they offered this would have cost me. I had determined what would be fair for me to give those items up and it just so happens they ended up beating that number. Prayer helped. The worrying and complaining and calculating did not. Weird, huh?                                           

I think if the past few months has taught me anything it's that I don't adapt well. I mean, on the surface, it might look like I'm adapting, but on the inside I'm just kind of putting one foot in front of the other because it's what I'm supposed to do. 

Acceptance. Well, now that Rob has a knee, I have a new job and our lives might get back to our normal, I can accept that. 

Here's to a new normal? 

Scribbles and Scrambles ~ Delirium

Thank you for your grace. I have been slacking. I have a load of excuses. Furry excuses, lame excuses (puns intended), and legit excuses.

The next couple weeks are full of two extra hounds, a sleepover grandchild with a schedule. Blessedly, my weeks will include a haircut tomorrow. My mop is mopey. Sloppy, curly, long and HOT.

I get to interview with human resources to see if my 20 years is worth the same or more money. To see if I am going to be a little compensated for the loss of days per year of benefits through this merger, or if I am going to just have to be grateful to have a job.

Rob is doing so well with his new knee. But he's not 100% and not likely to be for quite awhile. I am feeling the burden of his long ordeal and feeling guilty for owning any of his illness because he's the sick one. I would have been a hot mess if I'd had no knee.

I'm feeling behind and ill prepared for a book release in September. Soon I get to share a cover photo. I also get to ramp up social media to promote. My Gertrude is currently whining and pushing two chairs against each other to make them squeak to get attention. My daughter's Lola wants to go out to pee, again. And I blessedly just finished my monthly article that is due on the 5th of every month with two hours to spare.

I'm not whining. Just stating that I'm grateful for grace and will need a lot more of it over the next couple of months. Good is happening, and bad always will until the battle is finished. And God is in control.

Scribbles and Scrambles - One Last Time

I do not want to see the inside of a hospital room again for a very, very, very long time.

Yesterday Rob got his 2nd knee replacement in less than a year. In between replacements he was able to experience 5 months with no knee after infection set in.

I can't imagine what the snip snap snip of three surgeries has taken on his body...I know what it's done to my emotional well-being. In addition because of a few issues he has had every consult possible besides neuro, psych, dermatology and podiatry. Hoping to give our insurance and his body a break next year.

Scribbles and Scrambles ~ Baby Steps, How's that Working for the Baby?

One of the goals of reunification of families post foster care is the avoidance of reentering the foster care system. 

That's a great goal. 

But without parental change, family counseling, and a whole menu of different choices, how can this happen? 

The link below shares a statement that says clearly that foster care placement re-entry happens most often with older kids or kids with behavioral issues. 

I don't want to be cynical. But raising kids is hard. Amiright? Real hard. 

The children you grow inside your body begin separating from you the second they are born. Heck, they claw and crawl out of your mama body. Then your body becomes theirs, they expect you to meet all of their needs and loudly get that across to you. At around 18 months to 2 years and beyond they begin to demand with tantrums and screamed "No!!!!!'s and MINE!!!!'s" All in an an attempt to become their own people. Then the later elementary and teen years make it clear to both parent and child that life long under one roof isn't necessarily what the goal should be. 

This process is normal and healthy. A parent who parents for the child's best interest sets boundaries and communicates clearly those boundaries. They set limits and lay out expectations and follow through with earned consequences. 

But the kids in foster care are there because of some sort of breakdown where the state needs to get involved. Either the child is out of control for whatever reason, or there are substances involved, or some sort of tragedy. 

So, in my experience, kids feel and they process and it's not always pretty. Have you ever experienced the wrath of a child? Or inconsolable grief? Imagine dealing with either while you are doing your best to get through the day without that drink or without that meth, or when you have no coping skills except what you recently were given on a typed 8 1/2 x 11.  

Where did the kids with the behavioral issues develop their issues? Do visits with the biological family stir up the acting out, the shutting down or the issues? If that's the case, is the biological family the best choice for the child? In an older child, have they begun the process of hating their biological family for things like the sacrifice of child security on the altar of adult addiction? That would make me real angry. Or has a biological mother chosen one dirt bag boyfriend too many and she's showing evidence that she's real lonely and thinking about going fishing in the same old cesspool for a new man? That seems like a scenario where acting out could save a life. 

In this study of just one year, in one state the rates were 9% and up to 26% of former foster care children who were successfully reunified with a biological family member needing to be re-placed in the foster care system. Basically 1 up to 2 and 1/2 out of 10 kids. 

If you were going to consider living in a neighborhood where you were given 25% likelihood you'd be robbed or your house would burn down or you'd develop lung cancer would you be willing to hope that you'd be in the 75% who made it out alive/intact?

If your child was to go to a summer camp where she or he had a 1 in 4 chance of breaking a bone, getting lyme disease or suffering a bear attack, would you send her/him? 

I look at my personal situation. A biological mom who has lost 3 older kids. Her one year old was lethargic, uninterested in life, sat in a car seat with no curiosity, only wanted to eat easy things like white bread and cookies, was grayish in color, her hair dull and lifeless. After 1 month in a foster care home filled with love she was eating vegetables and fruits, smiling and laughing, walking and dancing. At 6 months in she was speaking, running, posing, hugging her dogs, loving her siblings. Her hair and complexion were bright, her eyes shined and snapped with personality. 

Her mom goes into rehab for the second time. Because it is a rehab center where mothers need to have a child present, the little one is removed from the foster care setting and placed back with the biological mom in a rehab facility. This little one's chances are about 25% that she will be returned to foster care because of parent failure. And I venture a guess that there is about 100% chance that there will be emotional scars and damage done in this experiment. I don't think a 1 in 4 roll of the dice is acceptable with a child's life. 


https://www.childwelfare.gov/topics/permanency/reunification/prev-reentry/#examples

Scribbles and Scrambles ~ Change. One Child at a Time?

I'm back. 

With more out loud thinking about foster care. 

This issue just grows more important to me as the days go by. 

On Saturday evening I was able to be part of a forever family celebration. A very beloved family. My daughter's ceremony/reception blessed a couple hundred close family and friends as she invited us to share this amazing event. Julianna wrote vows and read them to the children. Her kids new chosen-by-them names were blessed, and hands were laid on them as prayers were said. 

Then dozens of kids played on swings in the trees, slid down the slip and slide in the back pasture and played with edible bubbles, noisemakers,  each other and dogs. The evening was a glorious celebration indeed. 

It wouldn't have happened if the bio parents had not forfeited their rights due to multiple, multiple choices they made to lose those children. As I've said before I do get drug addiction. I understand how generational addictions become curses, wrapping heavy chains of dysfunction around the necks of the young and innocent. Dragging members of those families down into quagmire that seems somehow safe because it is the only darkness they've come to know. And I mourn this. I would never, never, never wish this life on any one. And to think that it begins with little ones who don't have the ability to reason, or understand that what is happening to them, in their family, is not normal. Is not okay. That breaks my heart. 

But, when these children grow older, and begin to follow the pattern set for them, even embrace it, how many chances should they get when they began to have children of their own and incorporate them right into the toxic family stew? 

I am certain that the biological parents of my forever grandchildren love them. But I don't believe they have what it takes to nurture, to choose what's best for those children no matter how difficult it is for them to help that happen. To successfully nurture a child you can not be selfish 90% of the time.  You choose to put your vices aside to make sure the kids have food that can feed them rather than harm them. To nurture your child you take time to listen to them. To ask questions to further understand them. You apologize if you are wrong as a parent. You read to your children, you talk to your children, you remember important dates to your children. You show up to pick them up when you say you will. You pick caregivers who are safe. These parents were unable to provide nurture, the children reacted to that neglect, the crazy cycle kicked in and nothing successful was happening. When sobriety is a fragile as strand of spider silk, and hurt and angry children are pushing and pulling on that string, the end result is not pretty. 

How many chances is okay to give these parents? How many scars do we let them inflict, how many experiences do we allow them to have that will cement the idea that addiction is normal into their little minds? At what point in a life of a child do we consider that their mental and emotional health can indeed be permanently altered negatively by the choices of parents? And that this is an abuse that warrants immediate end to the yo-yo of reunification? 

https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubPDFs/foster.pdf#page=6&view=Outcomes

https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/factsheets/foster/

Scribbles and Scrambles ~ More Statistics Foster Care Must Change...

In continuing my research into foster care, I believe I have looked at literally 1/4 of 1% of the available information. Google foster care reform and you get 1.5 MILLION results.

I found a few sites I'll be revisiting. http://www.childrensrights.org/our-campaigns/foster-care-reform/
And http://www.fosteringrights.org. Go Arizona. 

For Iowa, here's some reading material. 
http://www.cfpciowa.org/documents/news/Forever_Families__Iowa_Kids_Count_s_27F7FFBC19B47.pdf. 

Idaho http://www.ktvb.com/news/foster-care-reform-bill-heads-to-house-floor/61955505

Here's one that rates the states based on high or low rates of adoption of available children from foster care. http://www.ncpa.org/media/the-best-and-worst-states-for-foster-care But. This has nothing to do with reunification other than available adoptability success for a higher percentage of children when reunification fails. So the three states chosen as best New Mexico, Utah and New Hampshire, are great for adopting children when the biological family fails to meet the reunification goal. This is a great thing. Because this means that less children end up in institutions. But, again, it doesn't take into consideration how long the children were bounced between foster care and biological parents. Or how many fails were allowed and the cost of those fails. The cost to the child. And the cost for the tax payers. 

Scribbles and Scrambles ~ Foster Care Any Solutions?

Christa asked a good question. Where are the statistics to prove that reunification (the goal of foster care is to return the child or children to their biological family especially parents) works?

I found the following pdf full of governmental wording and red tape type of speak. 
https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubPDFs/family_reunification.pdf The bottom line I take away from it is that states that are able to fund programs and extra staff have a higher rate of success with reunification. The retraining of parents, showing them how to take care of their children is a main focus requiring hours a week for months and it seems to work well. Especially when there are caseworkers who have been given limited cases which frees them up to invest into these families. 

Not only is the government concerned with returning children to their home, they also want to see the children remain at home. High levels of parental training seemed to help this outcome. 

But what do we do with the average/usual situation? My grandchildrens' biological mother was very vocal about her opinion that counseling was a joke. A waste of time. This belief was repeated multiple times over the months the children were being phased back into her life before the judge had had enough. I cannot in good conscience believe that the overwhelmed parent who just needs some guidance and help from very well trained and available staff is the rule rather than the exception. My brush with humanity has led me to believe that most folks sink to the bottom of the tide pool because the swimming and going against the flow are just way too much work. I am flabbergasted that so many parents lose their children when they have already lost one, or been warned. If you can't pull yourself together enough to keep the state from removing the child in the first place, after ample warning, why should we assume that you can overcome and suck up and stand up and do the right thing forever in order to get your child back? And then lets add drugs or alcohol or both to the mix. How can we assume that reunification is the usual and best outcome for ALL of these families in crisis? 

I know I'm coming from a cynical place. I have seen children get sucker punched. I've seen the look of resignation when a child is disappointed and is compelled to make an excuse for the parent who broke their heart. Again. I have seen parents choose their favorite sedative over the children they carried for nine months, right underneath their heart. If a stranger can love a child better and more (because addiction is horrible, but there come choices to step away or no one ever would) than a biological parent, then can't we come up with an alternative to reunification always and forever?