Scribbles and Scrambles ~ Even More Adventures of Toad-Boy and Grasshopper

My final Grasshopper story involves fancy footwork. In our backyard stands a huge tree that has held several swings over the years. The favorite was wide enough to seat two. The kids discovered that they could drape themselves facedown over the seat and spin, twisting the swing tighter and tighter to create a nauseating thrill ride.

Hours of twirling toward hurling kept my life peaceful. If you are a mother you understand the value of childish, mindless activities that don't trigger ADHD or generally kill brain cells.

Grasshopper was tall enough that he could twist so tight and twirl so long we all began to watch his performances with awe. "Surely, this will be his last trip." "I can't believe he hasn't tossed his cookies." Among the comments from onlookers.

Then he added special footwork to his repertoire. To enhance the ultimate thrill, he rode it out to the end, using his feet to keep momentum and control. That day Tree Riverdance was born. If I want a laugh from my son, all I have to do is say, "Riverdance."

Serials and Spoofarios ~ Shal Lowell

Here it is, Dregs readers. Don't say I didn't warn you. Day two "for my poor pregnant friend who's not dealing well with the heat."

The standard Dregs Questions and answers by Shal Lowell.

Bio: Shal Lowell is a writer, agent and is gorgeous. Enough said. Buy the book, You Don't Deserve Me, Loser.

Book, music, person, food you would take with you on a very long trip.

Me. My book and I.

Where would you most like to travel ----- moon, north pole, deep seas, deserted island, the holy land or back to a place from your childhood, somewhere else? – and why.

As long as there are maids and room service and adoring men, it really doesn't matter.

Favorite book setting and why?

Mine. Duh!

Which compliment related to your writing has meant the most and why?

At least a hundred people have told me that my book changed their lives.

(editorial note: mine, too. Please read yesterday's post....)

What criticism has cut the deepest and why?

Yeah. That's exactly what's going to happen if I get any criticism. Sure hope you are planning to write a good review.

What would you do today if you knew you had only a week to live?

Get revenge. Probably burn down my old high school.

What is your favorite word?

Shal is beautiful.

What word annoys you more than any other?

No.

Superhero you most admire and why?

My inner strength and enlightenment.

Super power you'd love to borrow for awhile?

Beauty. Oh, wait, I don't need to borrow it. I own it.

Favorite chore

Ordering my maid around.

Grammatical pet peeve…sound off.

Stupid people who like, act like, they are the grammar police. Duh!

Societal pet peeve…sound off.

Pretty much anyone who ticks me off. Oh, I hate stupid questions, too. Notice I didn't answer very many of yours.

Creative Corner: Pick one and have fun with it.

Two middle-aged females talking animatedly. One wears a very short skirt, and she ought not to be……………. Give me a scene, dialogue, characterization, drama……

Hello! Liposuction. Or better yet, a new planet for ugly people.

It was a damp and dismal afternoon. (Yes, as in It was a dark and stormy night : ) )

And Jackson went outside to stalk me again. After being stalked by over a thousand men this month, I'd had it. I flung open the door and screamed, "LEAVE ME ALONE!" loudly and then I burst into tears. I hate that I inherited my sensitive nature from my mother.

Jackson put his hands up. "I'm sorry. I don't want to bug you but you've cast some sort of spell on me because of your great beauty. What can I do to make you mine?" He said pathetically and desperately.

"How much money do you have? Because without big bucks you won't even come close to this." Then I laughed and left him crying in my dust. Donald Trump doesn't even have enough money for me. And his hair...Jackson has okay hair. Maybe he needs to stalk Trump and then they'll morph into one creature with money and great hair that still won't be able to deserve me.

Serials and Spoofarios ~ You Don't Deserve Me, Loser ~ Reviewed

This spoof-e-view series is dedicated to a very pregnant friend who wants to live vicariously through mean-spirited reviews and bizarre interviews. She's moved from begging to weeping and I do not want her to try to bribe me with one of her children. My integrity can obviously be tweaked.

Readers, today, I make an exception to my normal rule of thumb. My mother raised me with Thumper's mother's admonition. "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." Nice in theory, but then I entered the world of 'words for sale' and the land of critique groups. Book reviews were the next step. I've learned the art of Samurai Wordfare, but I've always hesitated to get mean. After all, taste in literature (or toilet paper for that matter) is extremely subjective. So, I've made a point to not say anything at all if I can't at least say something positive, too. Until today. Today, I'm jamming Thumper's mother on a spit and slathering her in barbecue sauce. (Figuratively, of course.)

You Don't Deserve Me, Loser
Shal Lowell
Spoofara Publishing under the Gaga Growth Publishing Giant

Let me start by expressing my relief that I can spare you, dear, innocent reader from the travesty I'm about to dissect. I took one for the team and let me tell you, the nightmares are still bone-chilling, though the incessant chattering of my teeth and the weeping have subsided to a tolerable level. If you can't believe the book "You Don't Deserve Me, Loser" is as awful as I lay out in this review, come back tomorrow. Ms. Lowell answered the questions which totally confirmed my decision to be brutal in this review.

I've read hundreds of books. I have yet to encounter one that even comes close to "Deserve" which is a bizarre meld of chick-lit, lad-lit (yes, you are reading this correctly) horror and self-help with an underlying sense of responsibility shirking on the part of the author.

Often, I've scanned reviews of books that I've read and I wondered if the reviewer was talking about the same book I reviewed. Huge facts are twisted or overlooked and completely taken from left field and then these issues become ranting points. That said, I did read this book, every horrid, slimy and hideous word. During the final five chapters I made a friend call me so I was forced to give her updates on where I was in the book and what I was reading about so I'd be accountable to finish. She is no longer my friend. I'm afraid I pushed her over the edge.

The only positive I can see in this tome is that it's under 250 pages. However, given the choice to undergo serious dental work without painkillers of any kind every day for a month sounds more appealing than rereading "Deserve."

Ms. Shal Lowell's career as a supermodel turned life coach has been summed up in "Deserve." Her voice is unique which is very, very good because it is similar to a pouting two-year-old post a temper tantrum that included fire, body fluids and screeches that reach a decibel that could steal the hearing in the range equal to that of a nuclear blast. Ms. Lowell's vocabulary is slightly beyond preschool. The overall experience of her book is somewhere between the hazy hovering on the edge of wakefulness after a horrific nightmare and a very, very bad LSD flashback. In her collection of random "helpful hints," chick-lit style shopping excursions, lad-lit drinking bashes and parent/government/the man blaming, she slides in snippets of poetry.

Warning. Reading this sample may cause nausea and shortness of breath. You may want to check with your doctor first.

Your lips.
I hate them. The jiggle when I yell at you and you start to cry baby. CRY!
The dried spit crust at the corners when you yammer.
Most of all I hate your words.
You tell me about YOUR day.
YOUR DAY?!? Whatever.
Listen to ME!
I hate your lips.

Some books reach literary Nirvana in that they become nearly seamless. A mesh of characters, word-smithery, scenes that steal the breath of the reader and transport them to another time or another place. Themes that shine brightly like a brilliant sun peeking through leaves on a breezy day, casting an ever-changing trail of light for the reader to follow. Now those are books. Books that make me want to be a better person.

"You Don't Deserve Me, Loser" made me want to be a better mole. Why? Because moles can't see to read.

Finally, I need to suggest what type of reader would appreciate "Deserve." I do believe that everyone is entitled to their own opinion and our constitution grants us the right to share said opinion. I propose that Ms. Lowell's book would best serve society by making it a mandatory read in all prisons. I promise that if this was to be the case, re-offenders would be no more.

There are no links. I don't want you to accidentally click on something that could possibly ruin your life.

Scribbles and Scrambles ~ Monday Ha-Ha

It's Monday. Need I say more?

This video says it all.

Super Cinema Saturday ~ Mad Money

My Review:

If you can get beyond the totally amoral characters who let justified/rationalized greed run rampant within their lives, you might enjoy this movie. Especially if you are a fan of Diane Keaton, Queen Latifah, Katie Holmes and/or Ted Danson.

Mad Money is kind of a girlfriend/chick-lit version of Oceans Eleven without all the skill and slickness. The characters pull off the impossible, but it helps that the head of the "bank" is a complete idiot (think single-minded focus stapler guy from Office Space.)

There is clever dialog and there are some fun moments. The movie carries a quirky charm and the actors seem to have a great time with their parts and interaction.

If you can't suspend disbelief you might not want to go there. But if you don't mind a few sexual innuendos, some expletives and the whole moral "why not take it, it's just sitting there?" thought process, you might enjoy the quirky humor.

Serials and Scenarios ~ Tom Morrisey

Thanks, Tom.

Did I expect to laugh out loud at some of these answers after reading his great, deep Wind River? No. Nice of him to share a lighter side.

If you haven't read chapter one of Wind River, do it. Click on his face to visit his website, and scroll down for my review.



Fiction character you would most like to be or most identify with and why?

One of my fiction characters? Probably Beck Easton, because he has it so totally together and I so totally do not. Plus the Beckster's younger than me.


If you could ask any person, living or dead, a random question -- what question would you ask of whom?

I would like to ask James Madison why he put those two extra commas in the Second Amendment. Ever read it? It makes sense without the first and third commas, but with them, it's gobbledegook.


Some out there in writing land have strange rituals. Share yours.

Well, it always irritates the neighbors when I get up at sunrise to kill the goat. Actually, my only ritual is time; I have to write early in the day, well before sunrise, because the only thing worse than the phone ringing while you're writing is thinking that the phone might ring. And at five AM, it ain't gonna.


Favorite turn of phrase or word picture, in literature or movie.

In The Departed, Jack Nicholson, playing a mobster, executes a woman gangland style, then leans over her and observes, "She fell funny."


If you were assured of writing a best-seller, what genre would it be? Give us a sliver of information, a characteristic or glimpse of a scene.

I would like it to be an Amish romance involving a Navy SEAL team preventing a corporate takeover in the end-times. That way it would contain the five story elements I see most often at writers conferences, and it would vindicate all those would-be novelists.


What period of history intrigues you the most?

World War II, because it was the great adventure of my father's life. I've visited some of the islands he was stationed on in the Pacific, and those have always been very powerful experiences.


What makes you feel alive?

High speeds and loud noises. Which is probably why I love my Harley.


How does something worm its way into your heart? Through tears, truth, humor or other?

When my wife is involved, it's through silence. As soon as she clams up, that's my cue to ruminate. Also, I think I'm like most people in that I can make myself impervious to reports of just about anything -- war, famine, natural disaster -- until you put a human face on it.


Book, music, person, food you would take with you on a very long trip.

In my day-to-day life I am editor at large for a scuba magazine, so I take very long trips all the time. The one book I always take with is the Bible (there actually are a few hotels that the Gideons haven't gotten to yet). Music and food are whatever is waiting for me at the destination; that's part of the adventure. And the person is my wife; I don't get to travel with her nearly enough. The yes really are the window of the soul, and when you see eyes full of sorrow or pain, it's impossible not to respond.


Where would you most like to travel ----- moon, north pole, deep seas, deserted island, the holy land or back to a place from your childhood, somewhere else? – and why.

My brother is traveling -- like right now -- to Ireland, where my family is from. As long as he doesn't encounter anybody we owe money to, I'd like to go there sometime. So far, all I've done with Ireland is fly over it on the way to England.


Favorite season and why?

Winter. But you have to understand that I live in Florida, and winter is the dry season and the season with the truly mild temperatures that most parts of the world associate with late spring. It's the best time to do anything here (except go to the beach; that can be a bit chilly). And besides, when it's winter in Florida, you can remember what it's like when it's winter just about anyplace else, and get this smug, superior feeling.


Favorite book setting and why?

When I set Dark Fathom in Bermuda, the people there just sort of adopted me. I was traveling alone on research, but never ate a meal by myself. I'm currently working on a book set in Key West, and I've gotten much the same reaction there.


Which compliment related to your writing has meant the most and why?

Elmore Leonard was very kind to me the morning after he read my first novel. Unfortunately, I was never able to use his quote as an endorsement, because what he said is. "Hey, Tom, this is pretty good s**t..."


What criticism has cut the deepest and why?

I hate it when they rave about the book and then qualify it with "readers of Christian suspense will enjoy it." As if Christian readers aren't at grade level or something. A lot of Christian fiction today is more than ready for prime time, and I, for one, would like to be reviewed in the secular press without the qualifier.


What would you do today if you knew you had only a week to live?

I would start working on a short story, rather than a novel.


What is your favorite word?

"Finished." Unless it applies to my earning potential, my marriage or my credit rating.


What word annoys you more than any other?

"Nigger," because it is a word of pure hatred. And I think back on two people who were very kind to me as a young writer -- Gwendolyn Brooks and James Baldwin -- and I know in my heart of hearts that they each had that word thrown at them more than once by white-bread Midwesterners like me.... Wow. That they would turn around and pay attention to my writing, and invest their time in me, was one of my first lessons in the elemental principle of grace.


Super power you'd love to borrow for awhile?

I dunno. Is there a superhero who doesn't have to sleep?


Favorite chore

Isn't that an oxymoron?


Anything you'd do but don't because of fear of pain? What is it? Ex. Bungee jumping, sky diving, running with scissors.

If you have even a passing knowledge of my avocations, you know that this question absolutely does not apply to me.


Grammatical pet peeve…sound off.

"Employee's only behind counter." Employee's only what?


Societal pet peeve…sound off.

People using those Nextel phones with the walky-talky feature: the kind that make that irritating "Cherr-URP!" after every transmission. I know -- I just alienated every reader who is also a Nextel customer, but really ... it's 2008. If you don't want to call 'em, just text 'em, and spare the rest of us the cell-yell and the sound effects.


CREATIVE CORNER:


Pick one of the "story starters" below and give us a sample of your voice.

If Alex had known the body of the senator was in the bathtub, she would've taken Jim's offer for coffee.

Jim, of the stale-macaroni-and-cheese breath. Jim, who wore only black shirts and colored the frayed cuffs with pungent Magic Marker when they got too old. Jim, who thought scintillating conversation was telling you about how he cut himself shaving, and then showing you the little red-dotted squares of tissue stuck to his throat, just to prove he wasn't making it up. Jim, who seemed proud of the fact that he owned neither comb nor hairbrush. Jim, who asked on their first (and only) date how she felt about -- his words precisely -- "tongue kissing."

Alex stood in the doorway of the bathroom and collected her thoughts. As long as the water in the tub was really, really cold, having a dead senator in there might not be all that bad, after all.

Serials and Scenarios ~ Wind River

Tom Morrisey will be back tomorrow with his unique take on the Dregs menu. You won't want to miss it. And as far as not wanting to miss something goes...please, please, please, for the love of good literature, go here to read the first chapter of Wind River.

Click on the book cover to find out more book info and here to visit Tom's website.


My Review:


Tom Morrisey enticed me with beautiful prose that opened a window into an unknown-to-me wilderness. With wordsmithing magic, Morrisey teased my mind -- flicking facts, thoughts and tension onto the periphery, then slipping out of sight until I was poised, waiting, tensing for the next cast. I was hooked early, but instead of fighting like the cutthroats, I surrendered to this novel.

I knew, from the first scene, the foreboding shadows of finality and frailty and perfect snapshot moments dissolving into tarnished reality, that something awful would befall the characters that I had already begun to love. Anything else will spoil the story web that Morrisey weaves, except to say that though there is a sense of foreboding, there is a stronger, underlying hope.

It is a rare gift Mr. Morrisey possesses -- the ability to weave a tense plot, the clarity to write a scene that can be devoured with all five senses, and the heart to create characters that clutch at the reader's soul.

If you are not reading Tom Morrisey and you love literary novels, you need to get Wind River regardless of your stance on Christian Fiction. Book lovers need to investigate Morrisey's novels. Those looking for a man's man read need to look no further. Fans of Lief Enger, W. Dale Cramer and Charles Martin should find much to like in Wind River.