Serials and Scenarios - Rene Snitches

Rene's back with some answers to random questions.

Visit Wednesday's post to read more about her latest release, "Snitch."


If you could write in another language, which language would you choose? Why?

Hebrew. I think it would be amazing to be able to write in the original language of the Bible.


Flora and fauna or meat and potatoes? Why?

Meat and potatoes. I have no idea what flora and fauna are!


Favorite Blog or Website?

MSNBC. I'm always checking the headlines.


If you could only own three books, which ones would you own?

My Bible, my first novel, some really big, fat, deep, hard-to-understand theological book that I would normally never dream of reading.


Give a premise/tagline, character name, first line from a romance set in a sewage processing plant.

Hey...this sounds a little like Scoop! The book does revolve around a sewage processing plant. But not inside, so let me see here: FIRST LINE He knew immediately it was love, not because of how his heart skipped a beat or his skin perspired when she walked by. He knew because he could smell her floral perfume from the other room, and that was no small miracle in his world.


Share a moment when you realized that you really are a writer.

I was teaching at a writers conference and my name tag read: Rene Gutteridge, novelist.


Which book of the Bible fascinates or touches you most?

The book of John. I love the style of writing, I love the relationship they had. I can't read the first chapter without getting chills. I named my first child John.


If money/responsibilities were no object what would you do with one day?

Take my husband and kids to see the castles overseas.

Have a great weekend, everyone -- a nice long, relaxing, hang-out kind of three-day weekend.

Serials and Scenarios - Snitch

Click on the book to be whisked over to Amazon where you can find out a whole lot of information about Rene Gutteridge's newest release.

You can visit Rene by clicking, too.

And, of course, you can come on over on Friday to get a peek into her mind. Since she's already spilled her guts on the Scoop (book one of Occupational Hazards) tour, I had to come up with some more odd questions for her to answer.

My Review:

As much as I hate to admit this...I just figured out the whole Occupational Hazards series premise. Old school meets new school meets homeschool.

As in book one, Scoop, there is an older character who discovers that he may be an old dog that can learn a trick or two from a young pup. The young pup discovers the old dog survived to an age where he can taste retirement because he was smart enough to learn the game and wise enough to play by the rules.

Then we have the Hazards.

Mack Hazard stirs up under-cover work like Hayden upended the television newsroom in Scoop.

The homeschool uber-focused intelligence with the classic innocence born from limited socialization to the Christian faith that is refreshingly and foreignly foundational, shapes the Hazards into anomalies - attractive ones - but challenging and uncomfortable.

Gutteridge's humor is on display in her subtle descriptions and characterizations. Kyle -- the pastor on sabbatical with the Miami Vice dreams. Jesse -- the classic rebel cop -- with a few twists and snippets of his past come back to haunt him.

Nan and Ron, Laura and Dozer -- all characters that are real enough that you grow to care.

The story line is fast moving and well-developed.

I liked Scoop and Snitch is even better. Snitch can be read without Scoop, they stand alone, but the series will no doubt scatter bits of characterization for each sibling throughout.

If like Gutteridge, you're going to like this series. If you haven't tried her yet, give her a shot (pun intended, of course.)

Serials and Scenarios...Tim Bete

I'm stepping out of the normal sequence of things. Call me Abby - Abby Normal, if you will.

I "met" Tim Bete on a Christian humor writers e-mail loop. He just published Guide to Pirate Parenting. How can I not include him in my Q & A's? The title alone...

I'll have my usual tour Wed and Friday of this week, but I just had to slip this in. Do go to Tim's Pirate Parenting website.

Questions in red, Tim is blue.

Fiction character you would most like to be or most identify with and why?

Cap’n Billy the Butcher MacDougall, from my book, Guide to Pirate Parenting. My relationship to Cap’n Billy is like Dr. Jekyll’s relationship to Mr. Hyde.

Some out there in writing land have strange rituals. Share yours.

I have a day job, so I usually write at night, after my kids are in bed. I grab a beer, sit down at the PC, and bang my head against the keyboard until I’m unconscious. When I come to, I clean the drool off the keyboard and look to see what I’ve written. It’s usually not pretty.

If you could change something in any novel, what would you change about it and why?

I’d rewrite classic literature, changing all the characters to pirates.

War and Pieces (of Eight) by Leo Tolstoy
Pride and Prejudice and Scurvy by Jane Austen

You get the idea. Any novel can be improved by adding pirates.

Favorite turn of phrase or word picture, in literature or movie.

From The Importance of Being Ernest:
Algernon. [Picking up empty plate in horror.] Good heavens! Lane! Why are there no cucumber sandwiches? I ordered them specially.

Lane. [Gravely.] There were no cucumbers in the market this morning, sir. I went down twice.

Algernon. No cucumbers!

Lane. No, sir. Not even for ready money.

Cucumbers are hysterical. The funniest vegetable by far.

What would you write if there were no rules or barriers?

I didn’t know that there WERE any rules or barriers? I must have missed that meeting. The best thing about writing is you can do whatever you want. It may not get published, but you can still do whatever you want.

What makes you feel alive?

Food, water, oxygen and an occasional glass of wine.

Favorite book setting and why?

I usually set books on the nightstand, next to my bed. Why? Because I read in bed. I also like books with ocean scenes. I love the water.

Which compliment related to your writing has meant the most and why?

One of the best compliments was this quote:
"I loved Guide to Pirate Parenting! It’s as if Cap’n Billy was ripped from me own loins, which would explain that drafty feelin’ I get in me nethers."
-- Mark "Cap'n Slappy" Summers, co-author of Pirattitude! So You Wanna Be A Pirate? Here's How, and co-founder of Talk Like a Pirate Day

Cap’n Slappy is the king of pirate humor, so I really appreciated his endorsement. Plus, I only had to send him a case of rum to get it.

What criticism has cut the deepest and why?

When I was in kindergarten, I was a model in the local department store’s back-to-school fashion show. I had trouble unbuttoning the raincoat I was modeling. It ended my career as a male model. I was never asked back, and I had to return the raincoat. If only I could have handled those buttons, I’d be famous today.

What would you do today if you knew you had only a week to live?

First, I’d stop answering these questions. Then, I’d go to the beach with my family.

What is your favorite word?

Special

What word annoys you more than any other?

Overdue

Favorite chore

One that’s already done. I hate folding socks.

CREATIVE CORNER:

At a writers’ workshop, the instructor asked attendees to write a short story that included mystery, sex and royalty. One attendee wrote: “I’m pregnant,” said the Queen. “I wonder who-dunnit?”

Now that’s a short story.

Describe something you can see, hear, taste or feel without telling us what the item is.

Okay, so there’s a really sharp pain in my left shoulder, and I can hear laughing and there’s a musty – slightly fishy – smell in the air, and then someone says, “That’s the last time you steal me rum, you scurvy bilge rat!”

Answer: The item was Cap’n Billy the Butcher’s hook. I bet the Emergency Room doctors haven’t had to remove a pirate from a writer before.

Serials and Scenarios - Argh...Pirate Parenting....

Pirate Parenting.

Normally I interview Christian fiction authors.

But what do you do when you run into a pirate who just so happens to have co-authored a book on Pirate Parenting?

I guess it depends on where his hook is resting.

If you're like me and love to laugh, and you have a sick and twisted mind, you buy his book, read it, review it and ask a few questions.

You've got to have an edgy sense of humor to enjoy this book which may hang out a little closer to fiction than non-fiction - which is probably good.

My patient hubby smiled as I shared some great gems. He shook his head, but didn't make me stop quoting.

The "Me cat kittened in my mouth" Q and A ended up being worth the cost of admission - two Abes and a George (11 bucks). Several rewritten nursery rhymes, songs and other great stuff only increased my enjoyment. A check list at the end of each section forces me to give my stamp of approval.

A quick test to see if you'd appreciate Pirate Parenting.

Creative discipline techniques are your forte. T or F.

You have a child who once cried because you called another child "geek" and forgot to toss him a "term of endearment." T or F.

Pirate talk amuses you. T or F.

You laugh when someone falls. T or F.

Wally from Dilbert is way funnier than Garfield. T or F

You often quote lines from Pink Panther movies i.e "Does your dig bite?" T or F

You laugh out loud at Dave Barry, Patrick McManus or
Dear Abby. T or F


If you can answer true to most of these, I believe you won't regret your $10.95 investment. Not only is it only slightly more expensive than the price of a movie, it's a very fast read.

Sure, you're not going to unbury a treasure of usable parenting tricks, but the imagination stimulation will almost make parenting fun. You don't actually have to serve them salt cod to appreciate the fact that you can tell them you are. Plank walking - arghh - who sez the plank has to be suspended over the ocean, matey?

If laughter is the best medicine, then I imagine that also applies to anti-anxiety meds. Think about it. The co-pay to the drugstore, or the opportunity to laugh your cares away?

Read Tim Bete's interview on Monday for further information and a bit of grog scented feed-back. If you are amused with his interview - I think you'll like the book. Check out his web page for some great endorsements.

Serials and Scenarios - Seedlings from Ann Gabhart

Had a little fun with Ann Gabhart. Enjoy.

As per usual, I'm red and she's blue.

Fiction character you would most like to be or most identify with and why?

Peter Pan. He can fly and he doesn’t get old. Of course he does have to fight crocodiles, but he does it very bravely.


If you could ask any person, living or dead, a random question -- what question would you ask of whom?

I’d ask my dad, who died almost twenty years ago, “What was the most fun you ever had when you were a kid?”


Some out there in writing land have strange rituals. Share yours.

Nothing too strange. I just apply the seat of my pants to my chair and stare at my computer screen and wish out a few words that tell a good story. Nothing gets written, though, until I actually put my fingers on the keyboard and start poking the letters.


If you could change something in any novel, what would you change about it and why?

Some bad endings here and there, but I can’t think of anything specific.


What crayon in the box describes you on a good day? Bad day? Which one do you aspire to be?

On a good day – red. On a bad day – tan. I suppose I aspire to be the most vibrant red in the box.


Pick one…..Pink iguana, purple cow, periwinkle giraffe. Which one and why? Can be negative or positive.

Periwinkle giraffe. I like the way that sounds when you say it.


Favorite turn of phrase or word picture, in literature or movie.

“I’m off to the city of Solla Sollew on the banks of the beautiful River Wah-Hoo where they never have troubles. At least, very few.” From I Had Trouble in Getting to Solla Sollew, one of my favorite books by Dr. Seuss. I love reading Dr. Seuss to kids.


If you were assured of writing a best-seller, what genre would it be? Give us a sliver of information, a characteristic or glimpse of a scene.

If I could be assured of writing a best-seller, any genre would do. But how about a mystery? I love a good mystery. No one would guess who did it until the very last scene, and then I would have been so brilliant in planting the clues, that the reader would think back and say, “Of course. How did I miss it?”


What period of history intrigues you the most?

I can get wrapped up in any time in history when I start reading about what happened at that time, but the pioneer days here in America have always captured my interest. People then had to give up so much when they walked across the mountains to settle new land. They left behind family forever and risked not only their lives but the lives of their children to find a fresh start.


What would you write if there were no rules or barriers? (epic novels about characters in the Bible, poetry, greeting cards, plays, movies, instruction manuals, etc.)

Are there rules and barriers? You can write anything. You just might not find an editor or readers who will read it. All I’ve ever wanted to write is a good story with characters that readers will love.


What makes you feel alive?

Walking in the woods or down a creek. Feeling the sun on my face. Getting a hug from a beloved child. Writing a great scene.


How does something worm its way into your heart? Through tears, truth, humor or other?

Life is a combination of all those and more, but I think if you can make me smile then you have me listening and then I’ll be more ready to hear your truth.


Book, music, person, food you would take with you on a very long trip.

The Bible, The Beach Boys music, my daughter, apples.


Where would you most like to travel ----- moon, north pole, deep seas, deserted island, the holy land or back to a place from your childhood, somewhere else? – and why.

Not the moon – too far from home although the view must be great. Not the north pole – too cold although I might see Santa. Not the deep seas – no oxygen although I would love to know what’s down there. Not a deserted island – too lonely although I might get some writing done in all that quiet time. But I’ve always thought it would be fun to walk the Appalachian Trail. I love to hike and I love nature.


Favorite season and why?

I like them all and wouldn’t want to live where it was hot or cold all the time. I especially like Spring because of the way everything bursts back to life. Grass grows. Flowers bloom. Bees start buzzing. Birds start singing and the whole cycle of life starts afresh.


Favorite book setting and why?

My book or someone else’s? My book – a wild nature place on my own property that I used in one of my young adult novels, Discovery at Coyote Point, because I love going there. Other books – Middle Earth in The Lord of the Rings, because it was so real.


Which compliment related to your writing has meant the most and why?

“I couldn’t put your book down.” That always makes me feel good because it means I didn’t write a dull book.


What criticism has cut the deepest and why?

I don’t know. If I hear or read something critical about my writing, I try to listen and learn from the criticism if it’s from an expert or someone I respect. But you know, everybody is a critic and you can’t just fall down and weep every time somebody doesn’t like what you write. At least not for over five or ten minutes. There are more stories to be written and your next one will surely be better.


What would you do today if you knew you had only a week to live?

Take my grandchildren for a walk in one of my favorite places. Tell my children about things they did when they were little. Hold my husband’s hand. Breathe the air and enjoy the sunshine.


What is your favorite word?

My editors say it must be “just” because I use it way too much. No, seriously, I would go with “joy.” Just saying the word seems to give my spirits a lift.


What word annoys you more than any other?

No.


Superhero you most admire and why?

Superman. He’s always saving the world.


Super power you’d love to borrow for awhile?

You know that flying thing again. Doesn’t everybody want to be able to fly?


Favorite chore

Favorite chore – you’ve got to be kidding. Chore and favorite can’t go together.


Anything you’d do but don’t because of fear of pain? What is it? Ex. Bungee jumping, sky diving, running with scissors.

I’m afraid to bungee jump or sky dive but I never thought about it being fear of pain. I thought it was just plain fear. As for the running with scissors, that’s just common sense. There’s a difference between fear and common sense. Then again maybe not doing the bungee jumping is just common sense too. Of course skydiving might be a little like flying, so if I wasn’t such a chicken I might try that.


Grammatical pet peeve…sound off.

Long run on sentences that go on and on and that never seem to end while lots of words are being used but nothing is being said and you finally get to the period and you’re glad but you have no idea what you just read so you have to go back and read it all again. Now what was the question?


Societal pet peeve…sound off.

Clerks who take a phone call and wait on whoever called while they are supposedly waiting on you after you’ve been standing in line forever.



Pick a Genre - Describe a kiss….

Suspense

She wanted to kiss him. He had pulled her in behind the library door and put his hand softly against her lips so she would know silence was of the utmost important. Somewhere inside this old mansion a madman was stalking them, but here shoved against him with their hearts racing, all she could think of was how his lips would feel on hers. If she was going to die, didn’t she deserve a kiss first?

She put her hand behind his neck and pulled his head down toward hers. Their lips met with such an explosion that she felt as if she were flying. Then she realized she was flying. The madman must have set off a bomb in the next room.


Describe something you can see, hear, taste or feel without telling us what the item is.

It can come in several colors but only one general shape. It is very common. You might see one somewhere every day. A good one has a nice pop to it. Lots of different things are made from it, but the original form has always been the most popular since the very beginning of time. It smells like fall and can, at times, taste like candy. Doctors who need patients don’t like them.


Frizzy hair, purple scarf and a book – make a character.

Her life was fried just like her hair. Nothing was going right. Absolutely nothing. Even Superman couldn’t fix her life. Frannie looked in the mirror and tugged a comb through her hair. It was useless. The box of hair color that was supposed to turn her into a beautiful blonde had instead made her look like some weird clown with white sheep wool for hair.

And now she had to ride a bus halfway across the country to see her Aunt Stella. She didn’t want to, but her mother said she had to. Another example of how fried her life was. Here she was almost twenty-one, and still doing what her mother said instead of what she wanted to do. But she had two more years of college and no money. She couldn’t make her mother mad. She needed tuition money and what was a couple of weeks out of one summer. It wasn’t like she had anything happening here. No boyfriend. No job. No nothing. So she’d promised to go.
Aunt Stella had something wrong with her, cancer or something bad, and she claimed Frannie was her favorite niece and she just had to see her. Had to.

At least Frannie would be out in the boondocks where no one she knew would see her with her disaster hair. She reached into her drawer and pulled out the first scarf she touched. It was purple, her mother’s favorite color. Frannie hated purple, but she wrapped it around her head anyway.

Then she grabbed the book she’d picked up on a whim last night at the store when she was buying the blonde dye. How to Succeed at Life and Love in Ten Easy Steps. She could write some steps on how not to succeed. Dye your hair twice in one week. Let your mother talk you into being some kind of Good Samaritan. Waste money on a book written by some idiot that thought life was easy. She shoved the book into her bag. It would probably be good for a few laughs as she rode across country.


A crack broke the stillness as Terry tugged on the frozen door.

She held her breath and listened. No footsteps running toward her. Maybe she was okay. In an old house like this, creaks and cracks were probably the norm. She was hearing a few creaks herself. Perhaps crazy Jacob, who had locked her up in here, wasn’t running to stop her, but instead was creeping toward her in the shadows where he was watching her and silently laughing at her inept attempts at escape. What did he want with her?

She’d met Jacob at a writing workshop. His stories were weird but he’d seemed nice enough when he asked her out for lunch. Nothing bad could happen at lunch. Then he’d talked her into acting out a scene from one of his stories. Anybody with the first bit of good sense would have said no, but not Terry. Her first husband used to tell her that she thought everybody was good. Bill had certainly proved that wrong, but Terry hadn’t learned her lesson. Now here she was locked inside a creepy old house with night falling.

Her heart started pounding harder in her chest as she remembered that everybody always died in Jacob’s stories.

Thanks, Ann. You've got a flair for suspense. Happy weekend, Dregites.

Scary and Sensational - Sheep Doodie Clean-up.

Do you ever feel like God has taken you seriously?

I think we all tend to try to bargain with God. Right? Like we will give Him more time, money, heart -- if He’ll just ___________________________________________________
(fill in the blank i.e. send more money, provide a better job or more mature fruit of the Spirit).

But the bargains, and correct me if I’m wrong in your situation, usually have some serious small print that we are hoping God overlooks.

Bottom line, I give Him additional hoops to jump through. I think we usually call this dotting the i’s and crossing the t’s. And if He doesn’t jump the hoops in the proper sequential plan or within the time/space continuum, or follow Robert’s Rules of Order, then we can drop our end of the deal.

Sometimes I get really sick of myself. The self part of me.

I kind of like the part that God has remodeled, but frankly, the Kelly in me gets a little old.

But since I know I can’t be good or look at all like Jesus without serious help from above, I will often tell God I’d really like Him to dig for some stubborn Kelly-roots or burn off some Poison Ivy. Sometimes, I actually mean it.

So a few Sunday's ago, I cried through communion. After a lesson on forgiveness and some really great songs, the pastor told us to take communion only when we were at “peace with God” instead of all together in a group as usual.

In the quiet time that followed, God flipped through a few pages of unresolved issues in my life.

Did you know that we sometimes have to forgive people for being human and imperfect?

I didn’t think about that until God reminded me of the requests I’ve tossed at Him. The ones where I’d like to get over myself, and actually accomplish something of meaning and value with this life I’ve been given.

I’d like to think I forgive people easily. I say the words. That’s got to be worth something, right?

But sitting there, staring at my tiny cup full of burgundy liquid that is representative of Christ’s blood – the most powerful substance on earth – I realized that I held people to a standard that I can’t keep.

I want the “mature” people that go to my church to actually be “mature.” Reasonable, isn’t it?

I expect the long-term Christians to play well with others and to share.

I expect newbies to want to grow.

I hope – strongly – that the deceived actually want to believe Jesus words of truth rather than Satan’s words of death.

I really do think these are great goals. But I take it a step further and take it upon myself and either make it a burden when they don’t behave as I wish they would, or I get discouraged and let the enemy steal bricks from my foundation of faith.

I forget that God lets people wander in the wilderness because it teaches them and changes them.

He’ll also allow someone to ram over and over again into a brick wall should they choose to do so because they are determined that the rules don’t apply to them.

Noah built a boat on dry land. Abraham had to believe but not see God’s promise until he turned 100, thirteen years after Abraham and Sarah tried to help God out with said promise. David waited years for the whole kingdom of Israel.

And why did these events take so long? Because God doesn’t behave the way I expect Him to behave.

So I chose to forgive a whole bunch of sheep for acting like sheep, and decided to let God shepherd them, since He knows what He’s doing.

Sheep – would you forgive me for being a dumb-baa and tracking sheep doodie on your carpets?

Serials and Scenarios - Orchard of Hope

Orchard of Hope...click on the cover of the book to head over to Amazon and check it out.



My Review:

Like a shoot of green forcing its way in hard-packed soil is the truth behind the issues in "Orchard of Hope." Through severe and unexpected racial tension, unknown and bitter prejudices, and intense pain, hope grows, unfurls and flutters.

This is a novel that gets stronger as it heads toward the conclusion. I grew to care about the characters and I found myself grieving, even aching, with them.

This isn't an easy read. I don't like to be reminded, or encounter, fresh evidence of prejudice and bitterness based on the color of flesh. Nor do I like to see the ugliness of the human condition without Christ's healing and redemptive power.

Gabhart handles spiritual issues with sensitivity. Story lines of unfolding love and new life add to the sweetness of the planting of hope in "Orchard."

Come bad on Friday for a Q & A with Ann.