Scribbles and Scrambles - Pratfall Pats #4

I suppose I should tell on myself before I finish the Pat pratfall moments. Okay, here goes….keep in mind this happened before my first cup of coffee…this morning I used hair scrunching gel like fragrance.

Suppose that’s why my hair feels a little flat and my elbow pits make a horrid Velcro sound when I straighten my arms?

Back to Pat, who is getting ready to ride down the grassy knoll.

Boat shoes. For our family, those simple words conjure up snickers and the favorite phrase … “These shoes are outta here!”

I suppose boat shoes serve a purpose though the soles that can’t handle a little wet grass leave me scratching my head. Why on earth would someone design a shoe for a smooth wooden surface that is often covered in water?

Maybe they were invented by a sadist, or someone who loves a great water-bound pratfall. Or maybe the cheap knock-offs that Pat purchased ended up being the only brand in America that caused loss of limb, life or pride.

Who knows? If you do, I’m not sure I want you to shatter my carefully guarded naiveté, but if you must share your boat shoe wealth of knowledge you should be able to figure out how to comment.

But I digress. This post is not about boat shoes, it’s about Pat.

My mom and dad throw regular summer get togethers. Their place is perfect for them, a lush garden environment, great scenery, lots of room, a pool. Pat is always the last one to arrive even though he lives there. There are always projects and he’s usually neck deep in them as the first guests arrive.

Pat’s legendary pre-company protocol has become a “Where’s Waldo” sort of a game for the kids.

“Where’s Grandpa?”

“Oh, look, I see his crazy hair behind the horse tank.”

This particular get together was no different, except for the fine new boat shoes that clad Pat’s feet as he rounded the corner. We’d all settled at the side deck where the view was fine, the breeze was blowing and the hills gently sloped. Pat zipped toward us. He must have caught the gentle sloping hill just right though, because BAM! he was down sliding toward home. A baseball player would have been proud of the slide.

Pat’s head popped up over the hill. He sported a big, cheesy grin. “Oops.”

We all chuckled politely. Yeah, right.

Of course, the second time he road the same hill with the same shoes, his response was slightly more than “Oops.”

Hence one of our favorite family phrases.

Now that I ponder it, I think he still has those boat shoes.

Serials and Scenarios - Christian Market Guide 2007

Book of the Week....pretty sweet resource. Hope your Valentine's Day didn't turn out like St. Valentine's. If it did, I guess you probably aren't reading this.


The Link:

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1400071259


The Author:

http://www.stuartmarket.com/


The Review:


Christian Writers Market Guide 2007 is one of the books most writers suggest newbies purchase as soon as possible. I'm in my third year of taking writing seriously. I've bought many how-to's, have a subscription to Writers Digest, and have yet to open the Christian Writers Market Guide.

Why? I suppose it’s the anti-techie in me. I hate instruction manuals and feel I have to learn by touching and trying rather than following the road someone else has forged. Either that or I'm just an idiot.

I have three professional memberships that cost $35 to $40 a year. I don't use those resources like I should either.

I'm turning over a new leaf. This will be the year I actually listen and use the advice that those "who've been there done that" generously share.

With that new victory chant swirling around my brain, I opened the Market Guide. While baking cookies, I think you get awarded extra points when you multi-task. I could be wrong about that, so don't try it at home. Even with the aroma of triple chocolate filling the kitchen I managed to find a wealth of information in the Guide.

Sally Stuart provides a CD-ROM with 1,200 contacts so you don't even need to crack the book to benefit. (Actually, you have to open the back cover because that's where they put the CD, but you know what I mean. Right?)

Ms. Stuart includes a "How to Use This Book" guide which includes a plethora (I love to use this word) of books and websites for even more education on the ins and outs of Christian writing. Sites for new writers, legal sources, writing challenges and even some fun diversions for those suffering from a bit of block fill the pages.

Then she lists publishers of books in multiple categories and genres. You choose an area - youth, for instance - and find a list of youth material buying resources. Page over and look up the publishers alphabetically and find most anything you could possibly want to know about that house (except the candy bar preference of the editor). Keep digging and you can find out the number of books published and how many best sellers they produced last year.

Want to know the most popular subjects with publishers? Flip further.

Ms. Stuart repeats the process with magazines/periodicals.

Ready to start selling your work? Looking for new markets? Brand new to Christian writing and wondering where to go from here? You might want to invest in the Christian Writers Market Guide 2007.

Now. I'm going to eat another cookie or two and jot down some new information. After all, it is 2007.

Scribbles and Scrambles - Pratfall Pats #3

I learned to drive in a Vega. A real live Vega. At the time I drove it, all systems had sprung leaks and I believe it probably was classified as either a lethal weapon or a death trap, maybe both.

The beauty of the Vega was the hatchback.

We also owned horses during the season of the Vega. Mainly pet horses as they tended to try to kill me, and once the other family members scraped me off the gravel, no one else wanted to ride them either.

As nice as a hay-filled barn is with all the warm horse and dried grass scents, someone has to stock the barn with hay. Enter the Vega and its wonderful truck-like back end.

Dad “let” me head out with him to gather some bales of hay. My brothers and I loved it when Dad “let” us help him. We rolled the Vega down the hill. It could travel up to three miles at a time and fortunately we were on a hay gathering mission less than a mile away. We pushed the seats down and slid glistening 800 pound golden rectangles of horse sustenance into the Vega. Okay, they weren’t 800 pounds, but they were really heavy.

We’d load three of four of the little scratchy gems, putt-putt up the hill, unload them in the barn, coast back down the hill and repeat. On one of the final passes I heard a grunt. I ignored it. Pat makes many noises, a grunt is not uncommon.

Peripherally my eye caught something. Maybe more of an absence of something. I glanced over my shoulder to discover my dad missing. I craned around then discovered the reason for the grunt.

Maybe it hadn’t been a grunt at all, possibly it was a desperate squeak for help. Pat’s toes were wedged between two hay bales. His body a perfect bridge between the pile of hay and the Vega, a bridge spanning his entire five-eleven frame, three feet off the ground. White-knuckled fingers clutched the edge of the Vega.

I froze. Once again, I struggled with controlling the hysteria that tickled the back of my throat. My eyes watered and the bridge who was my father quivered slightly. Oh boy. What to do? My voice cracked. “Dad, you need some help?”

“That’d be nice.” Then he laughed.

I eventually got around to helping him, once I could stand up straight again.

Coming up – Pat’s Public Pratfall.

Scribbles and Scrambles - Culture Shock

Since poor Pat got picked on twice last week, so I’ll point out something I did so you can all laugh at me. Pat’s on tomorrow, then.

Several days ago I visited an ethnic grocery store. My friend asked me to come with while she searched for a tasty treat that she had a recipe for and knew she couldn’t make to taste like the real deal. She’d heard that the store carried them. I tried not to be touristy, but I got a little caught up with the different packaging. I have not a clue what one does with guava paste, or why someone would name cupcakes “bimbos.” But I enjoyed poking around and oohing and ahhing over the unfamiliar just 20 miles from home. We looked high and low for the roundish little nuggets and couldn’t find them anywhere. I suggested we scan each row for a big bag or container that looked promising.

Two rows over, I suddenly spied a clear bag with little roundish brown nuggets. “Hey! Look! Is that them?” (grammatically incorrect I’m sure, but I was excited!)

She squinted at the shelf, turned and stared at me.

I raised my hands in cluelessness. “What?”

“You mean the bag of peanuts?”

Ha. We never found them, but she’s going to let me help her make them. That should be interesting.

I’m not done with culture humor. Saturday, after teaching drama with my buddy (another story – actually many stories) my oldest daughter and had an errand to run at the mall (this is what women call shopping when they don’t want to use the s-word). The multi-storied department store had this sign posted at the escalator “For your convenience, we have an elevator located in China.” Needless to say, we took the escalator.

Finally, I called Nannyland on Friday. Some days are just a bit crazy there. And I called right in the middle of lunch prep. Tree-Frog, now 15 months, walks, talks (with a translator) and still feels the need of constant attention. Nanny attempted to make lunch with Frog -Boy glued to her thighs. She picked him up and redeposited him further away attempting to distract him with a toy. He did a little break dance but stayed put. Nanny set the plates on the table right as the dog decided to throw-up in the middle of the floor. Frog-Boy took that opportunity to cross the room.

A large sigh followed. “I’ve got to let you go. He’s doing an Irish jig in the dog vomit.”

Enjoy your Monday, embrace the rich melting pot around you, but don’t…I repeat…do not do an Irish jig in dog vomit.

Serials and Scenarios - Christine Schaub's Driving Music

Happy Friday all.

Christine Schaub was kind enough to share her thoughts with us. I loved what she had to say, I think you will, too.

I didn't investigate the missing font color button ,alas, so I will BOLD her answers. On a side note...last night Pat reminded me of a story I'd blocked out for some reason. "Pat goes to the Park." I still haven't shared Pat's Rooster Dance or the Bees Knees - ahhh - I see a Pat marathon coming up. And I had a moment in an grocery store yesterday - public scream laughing is frowned upon, apparently.

Now back to Christine. Thanks, Christine. I'd love to see you write about rubber tree adventures.

Fiction character you would most like to be or most identify with and why?

When the movie “Pride & Prejudice” came out, I immediately identified with Jane Austen’s Elizabeth Bennet and returned to the literature to find out why. Like Elizabeth, I am a woman “out of time”—i.e., my natural inclinations don’t seem to fit into society’s expectations of how today’s woman should sound, act, desire, achieve. This makes us exhilarating to some and perplexing to many…admired and loathed…quite often too much, too challenging for the masses.


Some out there in writing land have strange rituals. Share yours.

I write out of order. Because I’m a rabid outliner, I choose a chapter or scene that appeals to me at the moment, then start writing. Of course, that leaves the unappealing parts for last—when it’s a race against the deadline—and I hate myself for it. But it always works out in the end.


What crayon in the box describes you on a good day? Bad day? Which one do you aspire to be?

Oh, for a box of crayons at my fingertips! Is there a “cerulean blue”? That would be me on a good day—the color of the sea and sky along the Amalfi Coast that almost hurts your eyes, it’s so pure and alive. For a bad day I’d have to go with “burnt sienna”—an angry orange-red you find in the coats of the predatory animal kingdom…fascinating, but don’t go near them. I aspire to be a crayon somewhere in the middle—maybe the color at the point where the sunset meets the ocean and blends.


Character, plot or prose? Which grabs you by the heart? Why?

I’m a sucker for really good prose—when the writer can make a scene or sentiment come alive simply by word choice and arrangement. I think particularly of Jacquelyn Mitchard’s The Deep End of the Ocean…such lyrical, heart-stopping descriptions of a mother’s long-term struggle with the disappearance of a child. You don’t have to be a mother to understand: “And so she had made the choice, it seemed now, to not heal. Instead, she would try to live around the friable edges of a crater, to tread softly and avoid what she had come to think of as the avalanche.”


Pink iguana, purple cow, periwinkle giraffe. Which one and why? Can be negative or positive.

I’m gonna have to go with the periwinkle giraffe—not only because it’s fun to say, eg. “So I stood there in the dressing room, looking like a periwinkle giraffe…”—but also because it’s great imagery…like, Jurassic Park gone cartoon.


Favorite turn of phrase or word picture, in literature or movie.

I love (and have stolen) Tom Hanks’ line in the movie “You’ve Got Mail” to describe his girlfriend: “She makes coffee nervous.” Isn’t that great? Imagine a force of personality that has the power to give a stimulant the shakes.


If you were assured of writing a best-seller, what genre would it be? Give us a sliver of information, a characteristic or glimpse of a scene.


I’d write action/adventure with humor—something like Evanovich’s “Stephanie Plum” series. Here’s a glimpse of something I’m working on:
I was hanging upside down from a rubber tree, watching my carefully-packed items bounce around on the ground, thinking this situation would only be funny in a Jerry Lewis movie. Oh, and it was raining.
I started swinging toward the nearest trunk, reaching out for a handhold. I looked up. The chute seemed to be holding in the canopy. The trunk slipped away from me and I tried again.
This time I caught a vine and hauled myself upright. With my left hand on the vine and my legs gripping the tree, I reached down with my right hand and worked the jungle knife out of its sheath in my leg pocket. It was a wicked weapon—black and almost a foot long. I sawed through the parachute lines, felt a moment of freedom, then plunged all the way to the ground in a barely controlled trunk slide.
I sat on the jungle floor for a moment, trying not to let my already foul mood get any fouler. The jump had been hot and sticky, and just so we’re clear: landing in rubber trees is not like landing on a pile of bouncy balls. They’re freakishly tall and skinny with slippery, slap-happy leaves and creepy vines. I hate them. Passionately.


What period of history intrigues you the most?

I’m intrigued by the customs and mores of the late-19th century, when the world was on the edge of exploding technology and people were reinventing themselves with optimism and ingenuity. At the same time, men were overtly masculine and women were happily feminine, and that was freely embraced by the masses. An excellent description of this period is Jack Finney’s time-travel novel, Time and Again.


What makes you feel alive?

I have a risk-taking personality, so I feel most alive when I’m doing something daring, something my mother might call “stupid,” like jumping a snowmobile over a snow bluff or skiing down a mountain in an ice fog, or even traveling to New York City alone. I’m in control, but the fringes of the activity are a little…lunatic.


Favorite season and why?

I love the Fall because it brings colorful leaves, wood-burning fireplaces, football and school supplies. The long, uneventful summer has ended and we’re heading into sweaters and Thanksgiving and, if you live in the North, blowing smoke out your nose.


Favorite book setting and why?


I enjoy books set in Washington, DC because I thrill to the patriotism and power in that city, and the reader usually gets a tour of the monuments and emblems that define America.


Which compliment related to your writing has meant the most and why?

One reader wrote and told me my books read like classics. That was refreshing, as I try very hard to write dialogue that matches the time period, using words and concepts that might be wholly unfamiliar to 21st-century readers. I want my readers to feel like they’re living in the past with my main characters, but not be thinking, ‘Thither? What does that mean?”


What criticism has cut the deepest and why?

I’ve never had a “don’t-quit-your-day-job” bad review, but one reviewer wrote about Finding Anna (which opens in the midst of the Great Chicago Fire of 1873): “Although the opening is weak and somewhat confusing, the writing improves as the novel progresses.” Now, this reviewer also printed my name as “Straub,” so there may have been less attention to detail than I desired. Nevertheless, each review is only one person’s opinion…and a writer is never going to please everybody.


Creative Corner : )

Pick a scenario, recipe or story starter from the list below and create a paragraph for us. Feel free to change anything or if you want to get really creative start from scratch.


If Alex had known the body of the senator was in the bathtub, she would've taken Jim's offer for coffee.

So now she had no Starbucks peppermint mocha, no chance of catching a seven o’clock movie, and scant time to freshen up before her favorite detective arrived. Oh—and the senator was starting to stink. She breathed through her mouth while applying lipstick and surveyed the scene: bullet hole over the left eye, closed in peaceful slumber; jacket missing, but shirt and tie neatly arranged; pricey watch and cufflinks intact; dark hair falling across the brow in Robert Redford fashion that made the female politicos swoon. When the door-pounding started, she jumped—not so much from the sound as the last-minute realization that the world was about to witness and photograph her skanky tub ring.

Serials and Scenarios - The Longing Season

Come back tomorrow for Christine's interview...

The Book:http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0764200607

The Author:http://www.christineschaub.typepad.com/


The Review:

High school history books should be this beautiful, I would've done so much better on tests.

"The Longing Season" is written as a fully fleshed story wrapped around historical facts. The hand and love of God within the stories of Horatio Spafford and John Newton fill me with wonder. Schaub tackled Spafford in "Finding Anna," her previous novel. Fictionalized accounts of historical people bring their testimonies to life and end up teaching us more than bare facts.

Schaub takes her time and develops the characters in a style closer to literary than pop fiction. She has painted a realistic and almost shocking hero in John Newton. The story behind Amazing Grace has always intrigued me, and that was before I knew of the separation and longings of two young people who communicated not through instant messaging but by letters written and transported by ship.

If you are a fan of Jack Cavanaugh's "Storm" you should find much to appreciate in "The Longing Season."

If you yawn at richly woven prose and descriptions or at hymns, you might not appreciate this amazing story. If romance is your thing, you might feel a bit cheated because the story focuses on the longing and waiting, or the journey rather than the trophy at the end of the long, dusty trip. Some descriptions read closer to PG-13 than PG so if this is something you'd like a child to read for the rich history lesson make sure you preview it.

As for me, I'm going back to pick up Schaub's "Finding Anna."

Scribbles and Scrambles - Pratfall Pat #2

Continued Pratfallian Memories..... Yesterday we visited Pat's silent dance of fall avoidance. Today we have the audio version.



The next tumble I remember witnessing was one of great sound and no visual. My brothers (though it seems there was usually only one brother’s name on my parents' lips) borrowed tools often.

Apparently, a project needing a screwdriver and basement stairs had been completed earlier that fateful day.

Someone didn’t get the screwdriver returned to its proper home but had instead left it lying on the wooden basement stairs.

This was in the day of glass soda bottles.

Full glass soda bottles containing sugary soda lined the basement stairs.

Pat returned home from work as the children innocently did homework at the kitchen table or helped with dinner preparation.

No man in his right mind would stop and ask the children if anyone had created a death-trap on the basement stairs.

No right-minded child of Pat’s would dream of creating a death-trap with Pat’s name on it.

So we’ll chalk it up to childish oopsidity.

Pat began his descent.

I think we’ve all forgotten what he needed from the basement.

A roar. A crash. A thumpity-whumpity-whump-thump poured out of the dark basement doorway. A crescendo of tinkling shattering glass then joined the rhythmic whump, thump, bump.

To say that all blood left the faces of the children in the kitchen would be an understatement. With large alien eyes we glanced nervously around the room bouncing our eyeballs from one sibling to the next to the mom who stood statue still with a tomato in one hand and a lip firmly captured between her teeth.

A long few seconds followed where no one breathed.

But suddenly, a giggle tickled the base of my brain. The sounds, the crash, the thought of my father sweeping the steps clean with his body began to torment me. I too, chomped on my lip.

A fist, holding a screwdriver appeared from the basement, followed by my non-too-thrilled father. “Who put this screwdriver on the stairs?” The words were a bark which only added to my need for a guffaw.

The boys scattered, a noise, issued forth from Pat. A snort. A chuckle? He shook his head, Mom put her hand to her mouth and let loose a nervous giggle. The flood gates opened.

We laughed and then we cleaned up soda pop.

Next week I'll share the private and public side of Pat's amazing pratfalls.